Approaching motherhood for the second time 23.04.20

Approaching motherhood for the second time.

What does it feel like? Exciting, magical, a blessing, hasn’t hit in yet (merely ‘cause I don’t get much chance to even contemplate it?). A cocktail of emotions really, though the superseding feeling is: “surreal”. Surreal is what it still sometimes feels to have reached motherhood for the first time, let alone for the second. Me? A mother? And now a mother of two? Sometimes I still feel like the little girl who’s about to sit on her grandpa’s lap and listen to his childhood memoirs, the girl that’s a teenager falling in and out of love, the girl that’s [almost] a woman at uni studying but at the same time partying hard..! Some other times I feel like a wise old soul that’s lived it all before and is on a sweet replay, another go at the journey…and some very rare times, I feel right at the age I’m at: almost 35 with a toddler and another baby on the way.

And that baby shall be with us in a matter of days. She’ll come, and with her will come spring! A little star will be born with lots of wisdom and unlimited potential to shine her own truth and heal our latest agonies. She’ll be a special little cookie, a light-carrier, that I know…she’ll bring so much hope and love into our hearts and lives! Soon she’ll be amongst us and I will be holding her in my arms in real life and flesh – wow! Take THAT for surreal. Equally as surreal as a human being creating in my belly as I type away..! Sacred and mind-blowing…And God she just won’t sit still these days; yet who can truly complain when the magic of it is so grand? I succeed in putting aside the mild discomfort and focus occasionally on your movement lately little girl. Is this the last time I will be feeling life dancing in my womb? Carrying life with my life? Creating a being inside my body? Having a little heart living off my heart? It could be…(!) And that thought captivates my entire existence and for a second all my human dimensions go on a pause: the whole incredible divinity of it clouds over me a shade of bittersweet melancholy whilst the deepest form of gratitude reaches my bones. I bow to my body, I praise it. I try to memorize the feeling of it all…to hold it in my memory and heart forever! I touch my belly and I humbly feel like the superpower that I am.

I take a mental journey of my pregnancy – it’s been one of surprises, that’s for sure: first placenta previa, then bleeding, then the announcement of a c-section necessity, then the bedrest medical instructions (which thanks to our hyperactive firstborn were almost impossible to adhere to but which then thanks to the help from family and loved ones were at least partially followed and here I am today safe and sound with my baby still in the belly!), then daddy going abroad and having to take care of a toddler alone, then his quarantine upon return (“quarantine”?!? I was barely familiar with the term before this historic “coronavirus” hit in), then the virus global pandemic (a whole other surreal chapter on its own), then the resulting local lockdown…soon having to go to hospital only with my husband with no family or friends being able to visit us at all…I mean, was this how I imagined my pregnancy (or delivery and birth) back in September when I found out I was expecting? Hah! NO! Definitely not!

But that’s okay…because I thankfully know how to surrender when things don’t turn out how I planned them in my head…because I’m flexible in letting go of what I want in order to accomodate what I [or the circumstances] need or call for…and in between all that I can thankfully disassociate myself from the events happening to my human self and on my physical realm dimension and I recall and feel in the background of it all myself…me, my spirit as a forever stable, steady, unaffected, silent observer…curiously joining along, going with the flow and trusting the ride and its hidden lessons chosen by my higher self for my greater growth.

Yes I’ve had my initial moments of fear or pure exhaustion but these were rather few…My baby has so far been a serene, self-nurturing, self-nourishing, strong being. She is a child of nature, entering life and this family when everything’s on a pause in the world and planet Earth is recovering. How magical you must be my heavenly baby! I adore you already and I vow to protect you against all odds. I can’t wait for you to be handed over to me, to kiss you for the first time, run my fingers through your little feet, smell your newborn adorable subtle aroma, touch your velvety soft skin and give my poor heart the chance to truly relax. Once I do that, I know I’ll look up and cry and thank sooo deeply God, because bumpy ride or not, at that time I’ll be without a doubt, the luckiest woman of all.

My Little Champion, we are both reaching the end of our marathon – see you soon! 🤩

Forever with Love and Light,

Mama.

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