So here I am with a blue pen in one hand and an almost 4000 grams little angel on the other, the most uncomfortable yet inspiring way I’ve ever written. My right hand feels light whilst my left, well admittedly rather heavy…but it’s that sweet kind of heavy, the kind that despite the fact that you’ve been feeling it for hours, days, in fact weeks now, to the extent that this heaviness has caused physical numbness which has then somewhere along the way turned into pain (and which is currently passing the stage of pain and already developing into what shall soon be called some sort of an awkward muscular condition which I assume each mother learns to live with), a pain which initially strikes at the hands and arms yet travels all the way to your neck, shoulders, higher and lower back and bum cheeks, all of which are leaning funnily out of their normal place and route merely to grant this little angel all the comfort it needs so that it has the purest relaxation, the smoothest sleep and the sweetest dreams, I surprise myself at how I am still willing to ignore all of that aching and to grip using my little pinky (!) onto the edge of the table and place part of my arm’s weight onto the not-so-ideal pillow I have on my couch, so that to hold this little angel! And though I have never felt more drained and weighty in body, I have never felt warmer and lighter in spirit! And I’m not just holding any angel…it is my little angel…it is you my darling child!
So many days after your birth and it is still extremely surreal; despite the fact that I feel more connected to you than anything else in this world, I look at you and hold you in flesh and still cannot grasp with my mind what has happened…still cannot believe you are my blood and flesh, still cannot entirely conceptualize how you were created inside of me…how you came out of me…ME? MOI?! I am dazzled and in a state of total awe!
And though my mind may not grasp it all, my heart most certainly does and it feels like it’s ready to explode from an emotional overload! I hold you in my arms and breastfeed you and in that rather primitive, natural and supremely physical act I feel suddenly more rooted to this planet whilst a strong sense of oneness with the somatic realm and earth dimension settles in my whole existence. Such a beautiful sensation! I become like an animal with her little one and ironically that makes me feel more human than I have ever felt before. And as a human I experience an unprecedented connection to my natural destiny of inherently nursing and nurturing, innately self-sacrificing and boundlessly offering – I experience the Mother in me.
In the seconds which follow, I feel my energy suddenly kneeling towards the ground as the whole of me bows with humility to all of that sacredness.
As I am overtaken by thoughts of this kind and there where I think I could not possibly enter a deeper state of amazement, your tiny little fingers open and stretch out reaching for my hand. I respond immediately to your call and feel the velvety softness of your palm’s skin… Wow! Could it be more soft and smooth? My pulse slows down. I take a deep breath grounding myself even more to my sweet reality…slowly taking it all in…! I murmur a lullaby, the one I sang to you whilst you were in my belly, whilst I was holding my belly with you inside it..! It feels as though time has stopped running. The entire world may be going round and round in circles but at this very precious moment my world is in a nirvana-like pause; sweet silence and a true taste of heaven – how holistic..!
As I look at your microscopic small features, stroke your silky hair and touch your tiny fingers and toes I think of how I was once this very same size, a baby held by her mother who probably made similar thoughts and shared similar emotions whilst holding me in her arms days after giving birth to me. And then of how my mother was herself a small little baby with silky hair and velvety tender skin, once held by her own mother and so on and so on…! The whole of humanity were these tiny little innocent angels before they grew into the adults they chose to be today. It’s incredibly miraculous! And suddenly I love me more, I love my mother more, I love the whole of humanity more. Who would have thought that loving someone more than anything would in fact make me love everything and everyone else a lot more?! Love definitely increases the more it is experienced and explored my darling.
And there it is; one reason out of many why how you view the world shifts once you have a baby. Why all of a sudden your perspective is different, why you become somehow more intuitive with your surroundings, more aligned with the cosmic energy, more in tune with nature and humanity. You love even more!!! I hadn’t in the past realized that the human experience could reach such great depths and magnitude!
The tiredness in my body has by now built up; I could say I am so used to it that I no longer feel it but that would be a lie – I still feel it and carry still a rather vivid recollection of everything that my body has undergone. From 9 months of pregnancy to 12 hours of labour, to clinic, to home, to holding baby, feeding baby, burping baby, hushing baby, singing to baby, dancing with baby, to to to…! The tasks are endless and repetitive, the sleep is rather limited and you, my tiny little angel, manage to occupy 24 hours of my day, all of my energy and a 150% of my mind’s thoughts. Yet my love for you is humongous and growing day by day. All these sacrifices I wouldn’t do for myself! Small basic things I once took for granted such as going to the toilet, taking a quick shower or making a cup of tea (and drinking it in that matter) nowadays when achieved are considered to be oh-so-big! The true meaning behind the expression “simple pleasures” has now just been revealed and simple things have indeed turned into moments of real gladness and proper pleasure.
It’s more than evident that I love you more than me as I put any of my basic needs and my entire existence lower than you. I place you higher than myself and this entire universe! That overcoming of the ego that wise men talk about, that hopefully many of us aim to accomplish – a thing which is on its own so huge – automatically and naturally just happens once you become a parent, the right kind of parent.
And then another thought strikes in; the raw truth of having never loved my mother the way she has loved me. I never realized just how much my parents did for me, how much they have offered, went through, gave, cared, worried, how much they loved me…till this very day. Previously it was all a benevolent assumption, now it’s a concrete comprehension.
I am filled with unconditional love and unconditional gratitude and appreciation all because of you, all through you, through this tiny little angel who I have carried inside me since a tiny little seed for 39 weeks, who I have pushed out of my body with strengths and fiber I never witnessed in me or even knew I had…and who I now, as I write, hold in my arms.
I whisper in your ears prayers, blessings and wishes emanating from the deepest depths of my soul, the kind only a mother sends out in the world for her child, with a deep desire and a conviction that they shall be answered, as a mother’s blessings and wishes almost always are. You too will understand all of it my darling one day once you become a mother yourself. Oh and I so wish for you to experience motherhood. That is one my greatest wishes to you. Then of course I wish you so many things!
I wish you love, a lot of love, so much love that it drips from your ears!! I wish you a big kind grateful and forgiving heart. I wish you to be calm and tranquil in all your human interactions so that you are always left with serenity and poise deep inside. I wish you to have the wisdom to understand the rich or the poor understanding of others yet still view them not with arrogance or pity but with deserved respect and acceptance. I wish you the intelligence to fly above and beyond your mental limitations and not bother engaging in unnecessary and mostly self-created and self-imposed hamster runs, unfortunate turmoil and ordinary battles of humanity that are in any way nothing but tricky illusions of the mind. I urge you not to ever lose faith in the greatness that’s out there, far beyond what the human eye can see, in that very magic that created you and brought you to me in the first place. I encourage you not to approach things and attempt comprehending it all with your sharp mind as the more you so force and try to do the more the magic vanishes, the less it is felt and explored; instead approach everything with a free spirit and feel it with your heart, trusting whatever comes up, whilst having faith to the unknown and to what’s humanly-unexplored!
I pray that you never take human games at heart but instead apply the power of an eagle, the wisdom of an owl and the sweet charm of a canary bird in all of your dealings with others. I pray that you have the gift of relaxing yourself and of relaxing others, of truly loving yourself and of truly loving others, of being in touch with your light and shining it bright, never losing it from your sight as the years pass by but instead becoming more and more aware of it, sharing it generously with others. I wish for you to be a person who loves persons, who loves nature, who loves life! A person who is both inspired as well as inspiring, a person with a generosity of spirit and a magnanimous ability to receive genuine joy from other’s joy, multiplying in that way the warmth felt in your very own heart! I wish you to have a good life, a full life, being happy whilst doing whatever it takes, just as long as your soul is beaming with joy and you are making the absolute most of every moment in your life’s journey. I pray you don’t miss a moment dwelling in unhappiness, boredom or matters misrepresented or mistaken as important but which are actually so trivial!
Then of course I wish you dances, great dances, and fun, lots and lots of playful fun! I wish you interests and curiosity and not a mere one-sided distinction in one field but an all-rounded and spherical intelligence so that you manage to taste as many fruit as possible from the tree of life and witness all of the colours of life’s rainbow! I wish you meet someone wonderful who loves and respects himself and life to make you his happy and lovely wife! I wish you meet authentic, honest and nice persons, come across amazing personalities and make a few adorable true friends..!
I wish you to always be in balance and control, creator of your life, master of your mind and captain of your soul, radiating your vibrant light, enlightening the cosmos and us all! This way I know I’ll be a proud mama in my old age, certain you are making a difference to this world and leaving behind a most positive stigma; a smiley happy beam of joy! For what greater thing can one leave behind after all?
I tell you how you are my whole world and speak to you of my gratitude for our deep connection and our remarkable communication. I remind you of the physical battle we both fought and how well we performed as a team on the day of your birth, how your mother fought like a lioness and how you too were such a brave little champion…! I say how we communicated for so many things since the time you were in my belly and promise you to always, in the same way, share a very civilized, polite, kind, loving yet raw and very true and sincere communication and relationship…the kind you and I like, the kind we look for, live for and wish to share between us and aspire in others, granting each other smiles and safety, expanding together our existences, our understanding and our hearts!
I wish you consider me your best friend; you are already mine, the greatest friend and love of mine! 🙂
So much love fills my heart it is leaking outside of it! And then there comes another realization (so many in this breastfeeding and writing session of mine): That that excess leaking-out-of-your-heart love you feel once you become a mother, that’s the extra love you suddenly walk and face the world with, readily offering such excess love and your entire self to this world with increased grace and compassion and with less fear and insecurity, self-exposing and throwing yourself to life and all that’s in it!
Surely my life has changed with you my baby. It’s been a new life, a new dawn and a new day since the day they placed you in my arms; it’s a more intense life where more of myself, my body, my mind and my soul is put to use and in a very large, subtle and effortless way is offered firstly to you my little angel, then to myself, to my husband, my family, my relatives, friends, job, hobbies and interests, my everything..! It feels almost like before you I put to use less percentage of my existence, less of my intuition, my instincts and antennas, my wisdom and love. I look back and realize that despite my evident thirst for mindful and loving living in the past, there was a sense of blur numbness to few parts of me which I never even suspected and could have never realized had it not been for your coming in my life! Any form of it feels like it has now vanished. Its place took a new dimension and way of tasting and walking life, a more cognizant, comprehensive, observant and multi-dimensional way of being.
And there it is; a sweet little yawn which reveals a small little tongue and then you open your sweet little eyes and gaze at me. We stay looking at each other, staring in each other’s eyes with infinite love and an inconceivable yet easy-to-spot uniting connection. Two pairs of eyes, mirrors of one soul, magnetized to one another feeling perfectly complete; they both reveal our love and a strong sense of familiarity. It feels like we know each other so well and I get a strong sense that we have met so many times before. “Hello you..!” I tell you smiling and reciprocating to your deep familiar stare.
No one has ever looked at me more beautifully. I bite my lips in an attempt to save me from biting you! You are so cute it makes my whole system melt! And then I notice me reflecting in your eyes. This time I say hello to me and smile at the sight of the new me…“Hello mummy!” I say and with it tears of happiness roll down my cheeks at the realization of this new experience which lies ahead, this new set of dynamics, this new truly sacred role I am being asked to perform… a role which sets the pylons and pillars and creates the core foundation of society as it is this very role today which creates the adults that form the citizens of our world tomorrow! I feel a shiver down my spine. I am honoured. I take a deeper look at my reflection in your eyes. “There she is..! Your mummy!!! I am a mum! I am someone’s mum! You chose me to be your mummy!!!! Thank you!” I have never seen me looking better than at this very moment reflecting through your tiny sweet little eyes, you wonderful child of mine!
You have made me a better person and you make me want to be an even better one in the life that awaits us both ahead. I remember asking a good friend what it’s like for her being a mum, she replied with a quote she once read somewhere which pretty much encompasses it all. “I may have lost myself in motherhood but I found someone even better.”!
You suddenly smile at me and now all I can think of is how your angelic smile, hug and kiss can truly move mountains! I rush to put the pen down…
I got the smile, now it’s time for that hug and kiss!
Love and Light, and,
Yours for eternity,
Your mother, your mummy…Me! 🙂